Well it is 2am and here I am writing another post. I still haven’t finished the one I am doing on resilience but this just has to be done. You see it occurred to me tonight as I lay in bed not able to sleep that in the last few months my life has taken a strange twist. My meds are kinda under control, and my mood is overall ok, I am more and more able to interact with others. I am busy doing all kinds of things.
I am cooking, I have always enjoyed cooking but now I am really getting into it, particularly with breads, cakes and cookies – but also with main meals as well (did a great Thai dish the other night). I am doing lots of cleaning inside the house, I think my wife thinks I am “mothering” her as every time something needs to be done, I say “let me do that”. Outside I have been doing all manner of things and have even got an app on my phone that keeps track of all the jobs that need doing around the house and sends reminders when they are scheduled to be done. I built a raised vege garden, I have built flower boxes, I have bought a lathe because I want to start making tables and hanging light boxes. I walk every opportunity I get, up to twelve kilometres at a time. We are going on a “last minute” cruise in three weeks. The list goes on…..
So what’s my conclusion on this twist in my life? No idea! But what struck me was, am I, consciously or unconsciously, ticking off a bucket list? Am I suddenly going through the process of trying to do a lot of the things that I have always wanted to do before it is “too late”?
Sound stupid? Probably is. However, I have also noticed something else happening in my life. I have always been the kind of person who, despite my depression and anxiety, has just kept going. During periods of deep depression I wouldn’t stop, I remember days when I would be driving to work with tears streaming down my face wishing that I was dead, but I wouldn’t stop, I just kept going. I would get through it and all would be ok, I didn’t stop planning and striving to get ahead and, although I always had that “I want to be dead” feeling lurking around in my head, I didn’t actually plan suicide or feel like I was dying. Now it is different. Since the early part of this year when I had a serious melt down and ended up in hospital, I now have an underlying feeling that I am slowly dying, even when I am not having a down period. It’s a strange kind of feeling because I can be enjoying myself doing something I like but deep inside somewhere I feel like little bits of me are dying, like threads of material are being pulled out one by one until eventually there won’t be enough threads left to hold the cloth together.
So, could this be the reason for my drive to do all these things or, am I just more crazy than I realize? Well you can decide for yourself, still maybe you have a similar thing happening in your life or something worse, maybe you should start your own bucket list……