It must be time to throw out some more dirt on me, me being me of course!
I don’t know about you but I find I am always in dispute with myself. The me that is me on the outside that everybody sees and who has expectations to live up to, many of which are my fault because that is what I have lead them to believe that I am capable of, and then the me that knows me, who is constantly trying to get me to find somewhere quiet and away from other people, somewhere I can just cry and wallow in my misery, because that me knows that although I can do those things, really my whole life is a sham because I am not living the life of the real me, the me that wouldn’t want to do those things even though I can….does that make sense? And so life goes on, day after day, week after week, year after year, millennia after millennia (thank goodness we don’t live that long). Quite frankly I am so tired that I just don’t feel like fighting any longer, after fifty years of this battle I am wrecked, honestly I am amazed that I have lasted this long!
It amazes me that just a spark of light at the end of the tunnel seems to be able to empower one enough to keep them going another day. Someone asked me not so long ago, what it is like to have this ongoing battle. I have to say that I struggled to put it into words, but what I came up with is this, it’s like having a fight with your conscience, you know you have done the wrong thing and you should admit it but you don’t want to, it works for a while but eventually you become exhausted, you run out of energy, you think “I just can’t hide this any longer, I have to admit my error”. When you do there is a sense of relief, it’s out there, I’ve done it, then you can get on with life. Unfortunately with the depression battle, there is no way to release the pressure, there is no escape route, if you blab all over the country side, at the end of it the battle is still raging, everything you do will have varying degrees of success in helping you cope, but eventually you just have to concede that the battle goes on.
How do you go when people see you achieving or accomplishing things, sometimes very difficult things, and say ever so annoyingly, “so you are better then”, or “you’re doing so well, are you still on medication”, or even worse “I don’t think you really had depression”, aaaahhhhhhhhh. Do these people not realize how much effort it took to just keep breathing, let alone accomplish anything! For me this starts a whole new war within. Me and me get into a real arm wrestle over this, me wants to do some physical harm to them but me just wants to crawl into a hole and never try anything again. I have a lot of this kind of kindness shown to me, probably because of what I have done through the years. As noted in my About page, for most of my life I didn’t realize that I had an illness and thought that everybody felt like me – oh yeah, I’m sharp alright :-/. Imagine being so dumb that I thought that feeling like this was normal! Anyhow, as a result I would just push myself harder and harder, running multiple businesses, having multiple jobs, studying computer programming at the same time, sometimes going for long stretches where I would be getting only a couple of hours sleep a night. Can you imagine how me and me handled that! Not real well, however it took until the beginning of this year before I had my total melt down, but in the couple of months leading up to that crash, my whole life spun out of control, I destroyed relationships, friendships, the lot, from high achiever to trash in one fowl swoop. And me and me were no help at all….they just kept on fighting in the background.
Well that’s my story, what’s yours? I would love to know how widespread this me and me epidemic is!!!!