As I mentioned in Twitter the other day, I watched that great movie “As Good As It Get’s”. I have to say that every time I watch it, the scene where he is at the shrinks and he uses that line to the other patients waiting, is probably one of the best one liners in a movie, especially if you are a mental illness sufferer. Many none sufferers I reckon would not get the significance of him saying that (not that I am trying to create some kind of separation or elitist class here, I just mean that having a mental illness the comment hits a different funny bone. I guess in a similar way to how American sitcom humor is often not grasped by “foreigners”). However, watching it this time I actually picked up on another expression that is of particular interest to me as recently I have been having this fight with myself over an unusual feeling that has been plaguing me. What was it? “I’ve been evicted from my life”.
You see, of late I have been trying to come to terms with how I move forward from where I am after the serious meltdown I had earlier in the year. I mean, I have been to hospital, I’m medicated, I’ve left my job, my ‘live in’ mother in law has just moved out, we are moving in a few weeks, and somehow through all of this I am suppose to pick myself up and start my life over. The truth is at this moment I actually feel like I’ve had my ‘actual’ life taken away from me, I’ve been evicted from my life, and I want it back, I don’t want this other life that is apparently the one I should have – I now understand why many bipolar sufferers feel they want to get off the medication, because they don’t feel themselves anymore. I remember when my anti-depressant medication got what to me was too high, I started feeling really good but I didn’t feel like I had any control. I immediately asked for a reduction. Now I’m feeling this way about my whole life! So was the person I was before me or am I me now, or is there another person somewhere that is me and I just need to find him?
Wow, what a ride? Don’t you pity all those ‘normal’ people and their boring lives? I have been spending a lot of time on Twitter recently and have made some great contacts with people who are feeling just as run down and tired as I am. It has been good for me as amidst all the moaning and groaning, there are always words of consolation, support and even wisdom (no wisdom from me obviously). All through my life ‘friends’ were a tough assignment for me – no problem making them, but then I could never understand them. Things that I would think are obvious they couldn’t grasp. Then there were all the offended people – you know the ones – you think you have said something quite proper (or maybe a bit of a joke in there somewhere) and then you find yourself being given a lecture about how to behave in company. Truly it is only this year since getting treatment and researching mental illnesses that I twigged to the fact that I just don’t get other people and they don’t get me. Writing this Blog and using Twitter has actually been a lifeline, not just to communicate with ‘normal’ people, but also to help me cope with all those strange people that are suppose to be normal. :-/
I think I will stop here or I might find myself going around in ever decreasing circles until I implode….not that that would be a bad thing….